


Love You From Afar

by littlebruja



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Blood, Boys In Love, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Killua Needs a Hug, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Pining, Unrequited Love, only a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24179512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebruja/pseuds/littlebruja
Summary: “I think I’ll kill Gon now, Killua,” says Illumi, staring at him blankly. Before Killua can say a word, Illumi is sharply turning around and ripping out the heart of the unconscious boy on the ground. Blood starts spilling everywhere and Illumi’s face remains impassive as Killua screams and screams Gon’s name.In which Killua has a nightmare and reflects on how much he loves Gon.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 4
Kudos: 149





	Love You From Afar

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Slight mentions of blood and death but its very brief and only apart of Killua's nightmares.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy my completely self-indulgent fic!

_“I think I’ll kill Gon now, Killua,” says Illumi, staring at him blankly. Before Killua can say a word, Illumi is sharply turning around and ripping out the heart of the unconscious boy on the ground. Blood starts spilling everywhere and Illumi’s face remains impassive as Killua screams and screams Gon’s name._

_Blood starts spilling everywhere and Illumi’s face remains impassive as Killua screams and screams Gon’s name. He can’t breathe. His brother just murdered Gon. Gon who is light, who is the only thing good in the world, Killua’s only friend, his everything. And Killua wants to hold him, be with him in his death, but he can’t move. Nen chains are wrapped around him, keeping his limbs in place despite his desperate thrashing._

_So he cries louder and screams in anger, not caring about anything but the lifeless body lying in front of him. His throat is burning from his yells when Illumi says, almost sympathetic, “This is why he had to die Killua. It’s no good for you to have friends. You were just going to kill him one day, anyway.”_

_Killua can’t stop the tears pouring down his face and he watches, helpless in horror, as Illumi crouches down and stabs the boy again and again. Gon. This can’t be happening. It can’t be real. It should’ve been Killua– he should’ve been the one to die. He should have told him how he felt– he should have–_

Killua wakes up sweating. Sitting up in his bed sharply, clothes completely soaked through, his heart thumps erratically like it doesn’t know how to beat properly and he has the slight fear that he’ll never manage a full deep breath again. He gasps harshly and his chest aches with heartache from the mourning of the boy he thought had died. _Gon. Where is he?_

Killua scans the room for the sight of the boy and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees him peacefully dozing in the bed across the room. The sight soothes a part of Killua he thought wouldn’t recover in the moments after waking– but now he can breathe. _It was only a dream. Gon is not dead, he’s safe._ Killua thinks to himself.

As he absorbs the sight of the boy in front of him. He takes in the softness of his brow, the way his cheek squishes into the pillow, his peaceful smile. He stares for a long time, just to make sure he’s real. Just to make sure that this isn’t another figment of his nightmares. That he’s not going to die in front of him again.

Killua feels his heart finally return to a gentle rhythm but he doesn’t take his eyes off the boy.

Gon is his everything. Killua knows it for sure now. He once thought he was giving his all to Gon only to prove he could have a friend– to prove Illumi wrong. But slowly he learns he just wants to Give Gon everything of himself because he simply wants to. Whatever Gon asks of Killua he would give. Anything. Not just as a friend but as someone who is deeply in love with him.

That specific revelation came to Killua when he saw two men in Greed Island making out in an alleyway. Killua understood what was happening– he was sure that Gon would’ve perceived it as friendly wrestling – but Killua knew that men and women only kissed that way when they felt a certain way with each other that was more than friendly. What he didn’t know was that it was also applicable to two boys. At the time, he had glanced away immediately, cheeks burning in embarrassment. But the image lingered. And when he met up with Gon again that day and saw his vibrant smile, he felt a weird sensation in his stomach, like butterflies– then he knew. He knew what it was. It wasn’t something he should feel for a friend. It was more.

Since then, Killua has become at peace with his feelings. He doesn’t know if that’s normal. He wonders if he should feel more conflicted. Loving boys wasn’t exactly a normal part of his upbringing– he can imagine his mother’s screaming cries already if she ever found out– she would be devastated for him and devastated for herself, considering she’ll never have a grandchild. But Killua is completely okay with that. He finds he doesn’t care at all what she thinks. And he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks either.

Instead, the revelation came with a sense of understanding and peace. It didn’t turn his world upside down, on the contrary. Discovering it gave certain clarity and order to the world, as if he were a seeing impaired person wearing glasses for the first time. Yes. Killua loves Gon. That is just a matter of life. And now that he knows, everything has clicked into place. Killua understands why he felt and continues to feel the urge to do anything for Gon– it isn’t because he’s broken. It isn’t that his upbringing and lack of friends his whole life has damaged him beyond repair– no. He’s just in love with his best friend. It’s simple. And the thought makes him feel whole.

What he is less excited for is the possibility of Gon finding out but really– the boy is so oblivious he wouldn’t notice if Killua outright said he loved him and would die for him. Killua is very grateful for that certain fact. Not only is his obliviousness is endearing, but it also ensures he can stare at Gon as much as he wants without him noticing at all. Killua knows that from an outsider’s perspective he probably looks hopelessly love-struck every time he does it– which is often– but he is. He’s not denying it. So, he’s going to take every opportunity possible to sate the desire to just look at Gon– his round golden eyes, his bright smile, his stupidly spiky hair. He is beautiful and Killua doesn’t have the self-control nor the need to resist.

As Killua lies back in bed, still looking at the boy, he almost wishes he could have more. He wishes Gon would look at him the way Killua does to him, he wishes Gon would love him more than just a friend. He wishes so much. But that would be selfish, Killua knows. To want more would be cruel and taking what he doesn’t deserve. Gon deserves to be happy. That’s all. It doesn’t matter what Killua thinks about the matter.

Killua imagines when they’re older, Gon will grow out of his innocence and have flocks of girls at his feet. Killua has accepted that. He’ll watch from afar, help Gon out with his next romantic conquest, and love him. Albeit, in secret. As long as he’s at Gon’s side, Killua will be happy. Killua doesn’t need more. He doesn’t.

The only downside to his revelation is that ever since, he’s been having frequently occurring dreams about Gon’s death. Like the one he just had. Mostly at the hands of Illumi, sometimes Hisoka, and sometimes Killua himself. Those are the worst ones. Those are the ones that make him sob for the rest of the night, leaving him exhausted the whole next day. He still can’t forgive himself for even imagining it.

Gon doesn’t know about any of it, of course. Killua doesn’t let him know that wakes up every few nights shaking and crying quietly at the thought that he’s gone. If he knew, Killua wouldn’t be able to stand it. Killua could imagine his eyes rounding with worry, his sympathetic words, perhaps even his touch– _no._ He would never let him know.

Killua looks at him again. Takes in his ruffled hair, his relaxed face, the faint smile signalling a good dream – The boy who he loves. The boy who is light. The boy who is everything. And he’s safe and sound. At least for now. And Killua feels content, only resisting the urge to reach out and brush a lingering strand of hair out of his face. And so, with one final glance, Killua pulls the covers over himself, and allows himself to sleep.


End file.
